I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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