My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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