Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
