Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
