Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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