Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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