Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
