You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
