i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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