i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
