well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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