wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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