My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
