Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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