I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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