Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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