I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Randomize