I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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