i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
