Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
