I'm gonna have a badass scar
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
