Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
