Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
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