Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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