i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
