Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
