You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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