I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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