I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize