Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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