the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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