apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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