thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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