Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
