Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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