She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize