I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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