I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
