Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
