I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just want to make out with him forever
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
