Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
