Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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