this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Randomize
