the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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