hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
