I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
