i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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