this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
