i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Say something about gay babies.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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