If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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