So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
You took a bar mat shot.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Randomize
