We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
