"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
