with your own penis?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
