Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
