My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
