I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
