That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize