Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
