Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
