Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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