True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
